How can I say goodbye, when all I want to do is say hello? How can I smile, when all I want to do is cry? How can I be so angry, when I know you are at peace? How can I breathe when every breath has deserted me? Yesterday brought home the finality of our situation, and whilst there is anger and pain in my every pore, seeing you one last time, I knew you were at peace. Not once did you complain about pain, but I could see it in your eyes – the Ninja was sticking his knives in and giving them one last twist. Your blog has had more of an impact than you will ever know. It has helped others who find themselves on a similar path. It is your legacy, and one of which I am incredibly proud. Thank you to everyone who took the time to share our brief journey. Thank you for the love which has been showered upon us. Thank you for caring…… Goodbye my love – I miss you.
Month: July 2015
reflections…
Been away for a few days, house bound not having stength to move but brain activity , full on, very frustrating.
Getting weaker and weaker , bought a palm top two weeks ago because the lap top was heavy, now the fecking palm top is heavy…
Becoming imobile is now a now a new phase and as long as i don’t have pain, it, is the main cause of anguish.
Wheelchair is fantastic gets me mont places so have to go outside.
friends arrive today so gotta get some scenarios or this blog turns into nurse dormant flaps blog.
later !!!!
I AM FOCUSING ON THE FEEL GOOD BUT IGNORING THE HARSH REALITY …
My taste buds are coming back nicely.
My hiccups are are gone
The pain is still not apparent
Phlem problem is gone
and all the previous symtoms that came and went which leads me to the thoughts of “I am getting better”
WRONG , I am now getting noticably weaker in my limbs, my strength is reducing also almost daily and THAT FRIGHTENS me a lot, “Bed Ridden” I don’t want to feel great , …. in bed alone.
And that is what’s happening… Full time wheelchair will soon be here … Hospis accomodation will be needed and that’s a whole new board game.
( Wonder how a strangers spunge bath is like) but there should be a lot of happenings in the Hospis to post good brainless Spanish scenarios.
Not a word about the NINJA as he being beaten at the small stuff but busy on the big scenario.
MY FEET ARE BALLOONS.
The medicine that seems to now be fixing my mouth is working miracles, why did no previous doctor prescribe it ? It fecks me off that after months of complaining and not having any taste now it is found.
Soon will be eating pork pies, kebabs, and bacon butties(had one this morning and still a bit salty.)
Julie will get some gourmet Italian down my neck.
I need strength !! I don’t have strength to straighten my bollocks…
My feet are getting swollen and I can feel my lower legs at least will baloon the same tomorrow. Last time they came up so fast I had to cut the lower legs off training pants to get them off…
My bleeding spots are still popping up like those rabbits you smack the feck out off at the fun fair , I never play because I will miss every fecker and am dying to take one of those hammers home …
Well, not much humour today again but my favourite German joke.
A German football fan hits the taxi rank and asks the driver,
“Do you you have room for two kebabs, a six pack and plenty of curry sauce in the back?”
Taxi driver replies ” OF COURSE!!!”
So the football fan leans in through the back window and has a healthy projectile vomit !!
Good night all !!
I HAVE SEEN THE NINJA’s FACE !
Found out the the red bleeding wounds are a form of skin cancer so the fecker has placed him directly in my eyesight by manifesting it self on my forearms for easy viewing.
I am also insulted by this nurse who I had to speak to in Spanish who said she couldn’t understand me, one word of it, feck you !!! COW!! She was even proud of the fact she couldn’t speak English ?
This morning I woke feeling like the ever ready batteries.
So NINJA os being nice but he has now put me on the final approach to the 3rd or 2nd turn off where a hissing mechanic will be waiting José and tell me it’s worse than it looks and may have to replace the whole carcasse and , well ,buy a new one.
Jules? A ZONDA perhaps ?
We are going out soon , I may pick up some shit to add to this post, till later then.
CIAO
GIVE ME A HUG!
The long trip back from Australia was the culmination of 2 weeks that felt like 4. Having travelled the length of the continent, spent precious time with family and friends, worked hard and enjoyed the odd glass of wine or ten, the best part of it all was the smile on Carlos’s face as I walked through the door yesterday afternoon!!!
My heart melted,the tears tumbled, and the kisses were warm, but the opportunity to hold him in my arms, albeit gently, was magical. Never underestimate the power of a hug! We all need them from time to time, and now is my time. And no, “virtual hugs” just don’t quite match up to the real thing, but I’ll happily accept them anyway 🙂
MY NINJA ! 